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keep my fingers crossed. [May. 13th, 2008|05:06 am]
[Current Mood | tired]

keeping track.

about 20% more modeling stuffs.
materials 30% done.
walkthrough roughly done, dont know how to adjust looking up or down-.-

okay i need i need like 30-60min sleep.
my head's burstin'.
:(
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hmmm. [May. 13th, 2008|02:15 am]
[Current Mood | stressed]

didn't wanna flood my blogspot so here i am.
haha.
taking a 10-15 minutes break.
been working on my model for like. 2hours.
it's really BOX-Y.
but to avoid the exceed time limit thingy i guess it's alright.
and i srsly can't think of how it should be, something super imaginative like in a dream.
c'monnnnnn like my dreams are normal, as in, not that kind of environment super weird.
just that the people are, the situations are.
-.-
really hard to visualize. ha.

somehow i think my models always looking better when turned sideways or upside down, idk.
._.

aye. was resting and i kept thinking about it.
affecting my emotions, mood.

myself: think of a happy thing, a happy scene or person or something.
nothing popped out.
my mind, was.
a blank.

right, back to doing work now!
no time to lose.
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after so longs . [May. 4th, 2008|10:24 pm]
[Current Mood | blah]

aye, was bored of blogger so i decided to come back to livejournal.
anyway it beats changing to new blogs right.
:x

spent a LONG time figuring out how to change the template and the LINKS-friends on top but i don't know how!
i thought it was at the customize journal part but apparently alot of things seemed to have changed here.
but last update, 30 weeks ago, its srsly darn long alright and i wasn't even familiar with LJ in the first place. lol.

so okay, bear with it until i figure out how to change the links. :P



that piggyback ride's a lifetime away.
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locked. [Oct. 2nd, 2007|07:36 pm]
[Current Mood | okay]
[Current Music |-]

i'm locking my LJ blog up, restricted to friends only.
due to 115445638293536 reasons. (:
my new public blog. if you really wanna read my entries that badly, 
http://46484946.blogspot.com/
which is gonna be very very very plain and you won't get to read all these secrets/rants or whatever shit of mine in LJ.
unless you wanna add me up here in LJ. haha.
ohwells. have a nice day and bye!
 
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be true to yourself. [Sep. 30th, 2007|01:16 am]
[Current Mood | indescribable]
[Current Music |-]

hi.
i'm back. (:

talking about flashbacks. memories. all those stuff we did?
yes no doubt they were rather pleasant memories. (yes probably bad ones but i choose to rmb the good ones only.)
someone said i bear grudges too much. and i keep thinking of the 'wrong' things you did. thus not forgiving you or something like that.
cmon. not like any of you don't know.
i find it hard to hate someone.
hatred doesn't exist in me. and it's a real torture to hate someone right?
having to think of someone idiotic for like what.. almost 2/3 of your day?
yeah maybe i DO dislike some people. like whenever someone mentions them i'll be like..
eeeeee. or argh or like blablabla~ and get over with it when that particular conversation ends.
so yeah. have no idea why people think that i'm that unforgiving and carry so much hatred for you and blabla.
then again, it's not like anyone understands what i went through.
not saying you didn't have to go through any hardships or whatsoever.

so up til today.. you stil think that that post in my msn spaces was rebuking that particular post you thought i misunderstood it for whatever reasons.
and to you. (i guess. might not be right.) everything went wrong from this post-to-post incident.
like as if it was a declaration of war. or like some end-of-friendship thing.
you said you were terribly hurt by say, my words? my actions? and blabla.
hey girl.
like who doesn't know. i'm not one who does such a thing.
like i'm fucking forgiving for whatever situations be it my fault or not with whoever i know.
i've probably said sorry too many times to too many people that they all think i'm some kinda pushover.
they took me for granted. i guess.
you should know how little friends i have.
you should know i favoured you more than any of the girls in our 'group'.
(well ok maybe you didn't notice it. like as if i was much more important than any other.)
there were times i was selfish. and jealous that you treated sebas or carmen better than me and i felt like some 'follower or someone to accompany you to do this and that when nobody else seems to be free.'
you should know how sensitive i was. especially to you. (but i guess you don't)
that i never once thought of trying to agitate or irritate you in some way or another.
friends. should share a good relationship with another.
able to open up to each other. very relaxed kinda. comforting. share weal and woe.
i tried hard. to make whatever friendships i had in hand, perfect.
you were my bestest of best friend.
someone i can't imagine having to lose as an important friend.
but gradually. instead of this love, warmth or laughter one should get from a friendship, i got something else instead.
fear.
yes, you instilled fear in me.
fear of losing such a precious friend especially one who was with me for four long years.
so it became more like a master-servant relation you see in those anime. (well if you watch dgrayman like mimi and lulubell =x)
yeah. me being the 'servant'. totally devoted to 'my master'.
having that kind of feeling, too afraid to do things that would threaten and break that bond we had.

i ain't writing all this for nothing.
since you mentioned it before.
you don't know what i AM thinking. and you wouldn't wanna assume how i AM feeling right?
then this IS my confession. i'm telling it all out.
with all these feelings. memories and everything. those four years. it was a rather long time.
seriously you think i would do such things to hurt you? harm you? sabotage the friendship?
you know what you did. i won't say it in detail here.
carmen knows about it. everything that happened from the start. from the time she went to aus.
in fact, if she didn't tell me what was going on, i wouldn't have known either.
it's fine if you wanted to throw this friendship away.
but did you have to go to such measures? by telling people who don't know the real situation?
esp ones who are dearest to me. were you trying to mislead them? did you want everybody around me to leave me that badly?
you even told people like idk, zhiyu or your closest buddy, valerie. and maybe others. including people who were big mouth and spread to even more people which just worsened everything. (sorry if i get the names wrong.)
like they don't know anything? and were you trying to make the whole world hate me?
i don't know what you told them. or who you told your story to.
but from the after-effects/reactions i got from a few of them.
it seemed like you were really trying to get me down.
so if you also treated me like a good friend, should you even be thinking about things like this? and to think you actually turned your thoughts into actions.
and my post here. is definately not some post to get sympathy or like people to believe in 'my' story and think that you're actually in the wrong.
it is also NOT to anger you.
if you're actually feeling angry reading til here, seriously i don't know why and i really can't think of any reason why you should be.
i don't want you to get the wrong idea of how i am feeling.
but it's not like you understand i guess.
how it feels like. to be betrayed by someone so dear.
to have that trust for someone so important, taken away just like that.
don't deny.
you know it in your heart.
you know what actually happened.
don't try to spin tales, it won't work.
but anyway it's in the past. and it's not like i can change it.

i am not unforgiving.
but i find it really hard for me to accept you once again.
i guess the hurt and surpressed feelings, the fear; everything accumulated.
and after these four long years, and that few months not long ago which turned out to be the worst nightmare i could ever have.
i just couldn't take it anymore.

it stings.
i've been trying to let everything go.
it really is not about the actions or words you did, you say.
though there are some bad memories that are just so unforgettable.
it's the pain that was inflicted on me.
and it's not like it's going away.

a deep and painful injury takes time to heal. but a scar will surely be left behind.
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dying. [Apr. 10th, 2007|10:47 am]
[Current Mood | sad]
[Current Music |guardian angel - lee ryan]

my new blog is born! 


okay. now i have like five blogs? zzz. 


liosash.blogspot.com[public]
xxx.blogspot.com[mml/zuu]
xxx.blogspot.com[chubb]
liosash.spaces.live.com[msn contacts w/o family]
liosash.livejournal.com[uh..public i guess?]
-_-
and and and.. 


I HATE BLOGGER. 


thanks to the stupid publish problem thingy. -.-''
whatever.
cried last night. emo-ed again. zzz.
don't worry.. i'm not the kind that thinks nobody cares about me. haha. :x
used to think that way.. but come to think of it.. it would be very selfish of me saying that now cos..
i've found people who really care about me! ..i think. like like.. carmen, zuraiin, james, & christabel. haha. (:
kinda miss her company.. i know she did some mean stuffs but i just can't bring myself to hate people.
i really don't know how to.
reason(s) for emo-ing last night?
not too sure though.
missing james too much;it's seriously a torture to wait that long every single day.. and i really don't know when can i ever see you.
worrying about carmen;don't know what's going on much and i feel like i can't help her at all and this annoys me.
thinking about our broken friendship;don't know what i do to deserve this.. jus feeling sad over the loss of an important friend despite what she did..
fuck. was also unpleased with my mom. nagging me to off the cpu so early every night.
and she raised her voice at me for i-dunno-what-reason. pms? zzz. don't get why she should talk this way to me.

communication probs?
don't blame me.
you're busy working everyday.
like we get to talk much.
don't say i'm being unappreciative.
i know you're working hard to support the family but so what?
that doesn't give you a reason to give attitude to me.
shouldn't you at least talk nicely since you know that you haven't been spending enough time with me?
you didn't try to.
you've been like this since years ago.
keep working and working until you neglected your own children.
.you don't understand my brother and me at all.
i don't really know what's going on in his life also.. but i bet he's living a screwed up life too, just like me.
so stop adding on to it.
stop thinking that i'm actually enjoying my life, chatting happily online every single day, sleeping like 10 hours a day while you slog your guts out there.
in fact, i'm so not enjoying life.
don't think i ever did before.
i hate it when you keep nagging.
it's not like i don't know what to do.
stop treating me like a kid.
i'm not the little girl from ten years ago..

just wishing that you would give me more space.
stop restricting me into making guy friends.

i am NOT boy-crazy.

so you want me to turn out a lesbian huh?
and what's that about showing me articles or tv shows about dangers of chatting online?
though i'm not fully matured yet, i'm not that fucking naive either.
anyway like yesterday, when i only arrived home at 8.20pm.
you shouted at me.. asked why i took so long to reach home.
class doesn't end at 7.30 sharp.
and though the music school seems freaking near to home, do you know that it takes more than half an hour for the whole journey back? 

fyi..
walk to bus stop - 5min
wait for bus - 10min
bus ride - 10-15min [DEPENDING ON WHICH BUS I TOOK, 75 OR 184]
walk to train station - 5min
wait for train - 5min
train ride - 5min
walk to home - 5min 

like what i said, it takes around 45min to reach home.
so you thought i was hanging out outside huh?
thought i might be meeting some guys outside? boyfriend?
bullshit.
don't even have a single friend that i can meet up with here in sg. [zuu can't go out at night]
and it's not like carmen or james are in sg.
can you see how lonesome i am?
you can't and you don't know.
you think i have alot of friends..
friends that are idiotic and sickening..
friends of bad influence that has changed me into a total new person which to you = a fucking attitude girl who has no respect for you and dad, someone who doesn't appreciate things you do, someone who doesn't realize how fortunate she is etc.
you're wrong, so wrong.
please don't try to assume things ok.. because it's totally different from all your assumptions.
and stop complaining that i'm badmouthing you all the time in my blogs.
do i seem like i have any other choice?
can only rant in my blog;it's like one of my important confidants.
and i don't really wanna trouble my other friends with my problems.
and it's not like they have all the time in the world for me.
can you please just accept the fact that i really need a freaking blog to express how i feel?
i don't think i can conceal my feelings and thoughts that well, not like how my bro does.
i can't, and i'll burst if i ever do that.
16 over years of my life.. and i am already feeling so tired of it.
school's also gonna start soon.. like next week?
gonna have another big problem to adapt to the new environment.. with no friends at all and learning new stuffs which i'm not exactly good at.
it's pressurizing enough.. please, just gimme a break.


.hsifles erom emoceb ev'i
.elbaresim leef yllaer i ,ti pleh t'nac
.flesym detcelgen i lit srehto ot noitnetta hcum oot gnivig neeb ev'i ekil sleef tsuj 
.no nael ot redluohs a ro ,trofmoc rof ecarbme ot enoemos deen i nehw ,em rof ereht eb reve uoy dluow nehw

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